There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
