i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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