What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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