I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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