I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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