sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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