Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
