how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
