I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
