dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
