please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I have aggressive nipples.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
