the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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