I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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