Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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