im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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