Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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