i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
And then he peed in my hair
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