I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
