you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
