I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
