I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
