the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I believe in your delicious
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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