Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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