it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I don't deserve a penis
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
third nipple confirmed
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
