there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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