I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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