i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
