I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
