I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
