You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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