I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
