my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
