Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
