I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
