dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
