Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
