He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
