A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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