I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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