we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize