i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Will exercising make me less horny?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
