Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
