I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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