Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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