Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize