so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
