He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
