I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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