if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just googled if crying burns calories
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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