Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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