she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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