can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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