Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
