If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
