Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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