i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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