I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize