anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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