Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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