I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
