i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
